Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Sanremo 2009 - I BIG, ovvero: non è necessario guardare X-Factor per vedere talenti mostruosamente incompresi.

Afterhours - Il paese è reale: se, come già detto, Agnelli semplifica la sua scrittura per venire incontro alle masse di analfabetizzati spettatori, musicalmente il pezzo è complesso e privo di quella facile orecchiabilità che erroneamente sembra diventata requisito necessario per fare musica in Italia ed in particolar modo su questo palco. La batteria è lo strumento protagonista, assieme alla sempre graffiante, magnifica a voce di Agnelli (aho, il Manuel mi conturba assai, non ci posso fare niente!). Non siamo davanti a una vetta d'eccellenza nel loro repertorio, ma è una delle pochissime cose degna di fregiarsi del termine "musica".
ELIMINATI la prima serata.

Albano - L’amore è sempre l’amore: d'altra parte Sanremo è sempre Sanremo e Albano è sempre Albano. Tronfio, spocchioso, fastidioso. Arriva sul palco intonando il ritornello di Nel sole (che ormai pare l'unica canzone che abbia mai cantato in trent'anni di carriera) e io per protesta vado a fare pipì durante la sua performance.

Alexia e Mario Lavezzi - Biancaneve: per favore qualcuno dica a Lavezzi di limitarsi a fare il compositore. Per quanto anche sotto questo punto di vista non si sia di certo sforzato troppo. Biancaneve è un pezzo dalle sonorità veramente datate, nonostante Alexia urli il più possibile e batta i piedini taglia 34 sul pavimento nel disperato tentativo di scrollare di dosso la polvere al compagno.

Marco Carta - La forza mia: non vale davvero la pena spendere troppe parole per commentare questa performance. Il pezzo è di una banalità sconcertante, il testo scritto (da Paolo Carta, chitarrista e autore della Pausini, e ho detto tutto...) pescando a caso da Baglioni. E proprio per questo il piccolo Carta, beanché amico di Maria, risulta assolutamente innocuo. Lo ascolto serenamente consapevole che cinque minuti dopo non mi ricorderò né del pezzo né di lui.

Sal Da Vinci - Non riesco a farti innamorare: ma Vincenzo Salemme fa il cantate adesso? O forse è Pino Quartullo? Mah. Il pezzo è scritto da Giggi D'Alessio e si sente. Se chiudo gli occhi mi pare quasi di vederlo. Quindi decido di riaprirli subito. Urla, strepita, si produce in dolorose smorfie facciali e alza il pugnetto mentre grida che non riesce a farla innamorare. Ettecredo...

Dolcenera - Il mio amore unico: si sarà anche liberata del trucco da panda, ma in compenso usa i capelli del cantante dei Tokyo Hotel come ciglia finte. Il pezzo è inconsistente e neanche particolarmente felice per il suo tipo di voce tutta grugniti ed ostensione delle tonsille. E se riesce ad ingannare per due giorni consecutivi la giuria demoscopica, evidendetemente anestetizzata da flebo al cloroformio collegate alle loro poltrone, non passa al televoto del pubblico a casa.
ELIMINATA la quarta serata.

Gemelli Diversi - Vivi per un miracolo: e infatti è un miracolo se siamo ancora vivi dopo la loro performance. Strano, il vocalist, canta con un distorsore della voce ottenendo il sicuramente vincente risultato di assomigliare pericolosamente a Britney Spears che ha aspirato dell'elio. Gli altri tre mi ricordano Spitty Cash, il sedicente rapper albanese diventato famoso grazie a You Tube, che finiva ogni canzone dicendo "tutto questo è ghengsta, madaffacca!", ma fanno molto molto molto meno ridere.
Che smettano di fare i rapper e si dedichino a rubare motorini.
ELIMINATI la quarta serata.

Fusto Leali - Una piccola parte: a lui il compito di raccogliere la "difficile" eredità di Francesco e Roby Facchinetti proseguendo il filone dei figli che hanno fretta di crescere per andarsene di casa. Cosa comprensibilissima se hai come padre Fausto Leali desideroso di farti sentire in anteprima la canzone con la quale parteciperà a Sanremo.

Marco Masini - L’Italia: più patetico della sua canzone c'è solo il suo colore di capelli, che esplora tutte le sfumature della merda secca di cane. Il suo testo è talmente infarcito di luoghi comuni così fastiosi da riuscire nella titanica impresa di far sembrare L'italiano di Toto Cutugno un pezzo d'avanguardia punk.

Nicky Nicolai e Stefano Di Battista - Più sole: un duo indegno pure di fare pianobar a Diano Marina. La Nicolai sta alle grandi voci jazz come Rosy Bindi a un locale per scambisti. Il consorte Di Battista, lui sì vero talento, opta per sonorità vintage alla Papetti, perfette per un cover band dei Dirotta su Cuba da dopolavoro ferroviario. Jovanotti si supera riuscendo a scrivere un brano ancor più sciatto di A te che sei.
ELIMINATI la seconda serata.

Povia - Luca era gay: allora, sintetizziamo in due parole il "povia pensiero". Separazione ed eccessivo affetto dei genitori causano nei figli turbe psichiche profonde e conseguente confusione sessuale.
Beh
è la storia di Norman Bates in Psycho, cazzo! Perché incazzarsi con Povia quando Hitchcock ci fece un film nel 1960! Anzi, Povia si è pure fermato prima, risparmiandoci il momento in cui Luca squarterà la moglie sotto la doccia!
Detto questo, se Luca era gay saranno cazzi suoi. Parliamo piuttosto del fatto che in pochissimi hanno tirato in ballo la somiglianza del pezzo con Pensa di Fabrizio Moro.
Va detto che comunque l'esecuzione di Povia è vocalmente pulita e misurata in mezzo a tanti sguaiati urlatori.
Come sempre molto rumore per nulla.

Patty Pravo - E io verrò un giorno là: appare come il Dracula di Coppola, e mi aspetto che pronunci anche la frase "Benvenutto in mia casaaaaa" (anche il suo chirurgo si è chiaramente ispirato a Nosferatu nel tirarla...). Per il cantato usa una tecnica sperimentale chiamata "biascicato", ottenibile dimenticandosi di fissare la dentiera col Polydent.
Poco importa se non ricorda le parole, tanto si capirebbe comunque solo un terzo di quello che dice. Molto chiare sono invece le solenni stonature che inanella una dietro l'altra. E pensare che il pezzo, musicalmente parlando, non è neanche così terribile.
Fa un po' pena vedere un'icona della musica italiana in questo stato e quasi quasi spero che Bonolis le pianti un paletto di frassino nel cuore per porre fine a tanta sofferenza.

Pupo, Paolo Belli e Yossou Ndour - L’opportunità: l'opportunità gliel'abbiamo data. Adesso però basta, ok? A me Belli e Pupo stanno pure tanto simpatici, e mia madre mi ammazza se ne parlo male, ma proprio non si salva nulla del loro sgangherato pezzo dedicato alla Bossi-Fini. Si è parlato di somiglianze con Si può dare di più, ma a parte l'essere in tre le attinenze sono ben poche, al confronte di quelle che invece potrei trovare con una canzone di Cristina D'Avena. Yossou Ndour, come previsto, serve esclusivamente a dare una nota di colore; canta pochissimo e con evidenti difficoltà linguistiche. Tanto valeva portare con loro il sommo Afric Simone!

Francesco Renga - Un uomo senza età: a questo non ero proprio pronta, lo confesso. Sembra Albano che imita Luca Laurenti. O Laurenti che imita Albano, vedete un po' voi. In ogni caso questo pezzo sarebbe stato troppo vecchio perfino per il sommo cantore di Cellino San Marco. Sforza e storpia talmente tanto la voce, da sembrare uno dei talenti incompresi di X-Factor.
Se proprio devo dirlo, tra i pezzi di ispirazione operistica preferivo decisamente questo.
Un'occasione sprecata.

Tricarico - Il bosco delle fragole: lo so, io e Gino Castaldo siamo gli unici avvocati difensori delle performance di Tricarico al Festival. Ma d'altra parte furono molti anche quelli che gridarono al miracolo vedendo Cristicchi salire su una sedia pieghevole a mimare un uccello...
Il pezzo è leggero, allegro, orecchiabile (nel senso buono del termine) e lui appare meno allucinata dello scorso anno.
Che la forza di Tricarico sia nella scrittura e non certo nell'interpretazione ce ne rendiamo benissimo conto tutti, ma vederlo cantare mi da una piccola speranza di salvezza per il paleolitico e ripetitivo panorama musicale italiano.
ELIMINATO la prima serata.

Iva Zanicchi - Ti voglio senza amore: sarebbe stata più salutare, sia per lei che per noi, la pace dei sensi. Amen.
ELIMINATA la prima serata.

44 comments:

Missrettore said...

Anche stavolta ho scritto molto velocemente e ho pubblicato senza rileggere il tutto, quindi perdonate i molti errori che sicuramente ci saranno.

Anonymous said...

uhaaaaaa, grande! Concordo su tutto anche se con Renga potevi essere più buona! È così carino!

Anonymous said...

Hai salvato i miei tre preferiti (Afterhours, Tricarico, Povia). Ancora una volta in accordo con te!
Grande Miss! (andrea84)

Missrettore said...

Beh, Povia non è che l'abbia salvato. Piuttosto ho detto solo che il polverone sollevato prima del festival si è rivelato un tantino immotivato. Diciamo che nella mia recensione mi sono mantenuta molto neutra. Non ho scientemente voluto prendere una posizione.
La verità è che, musicalmente parlando, il brano mi lascia indifferente.
E comunque ho sentito cose molto più terribili in quest'edizione.

V I K K said...

il brano degli Afterhours non è malaccio ma i tempi di "Germi" e "Hai Paura del Buio?" sono lontani e non solo cronologicamente, insalvabile l'Agnelli cantante, capace di stonare su tutto il pezzo.

Non appoggio la scelta di andare a suonare ssieme a cariatidi come Al Bano e Iva Zanicchi o peggio bambocci creati dalla fattucchiera De Filippi, tanto poi sapevamo in anticipo come sarebbe andata.

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